Damage has been done.
It's wasn't a planned one. Yes, it was not. It is a truth which I don't want to hide. Other people can say whatever they want wether it's good or bad. However reality is...it won't be part of their responsibility of what so ever.
Having a child is not all fun and joy. If you don't plan it well enough, it might be misery all the way through. May it be emotion, financial, time, you always need a plan. Well, even if it's your first one. Mind you, this is not my first. It's my fifth.
The first trimester was a mess. A really huge one. I blamed everything on myself and my husband. How could we have another child when 3 others are barely well fed. We struggle to fund their school and nursery. We struggle to buy diapers and milk. Do we really want to end up being a poor urban?
All the negative thoughts were playing over and over again. Reminding me of the hard times I had when I was growing up. No money to buy books. No money to buy new clothes for school. No money for raya. No money for food.
Eating only egg and rice. Sometimes can of sardines. I was hard for me. But I knew it was even harder for my parents.
The first trimester passed with only the determination that I need to keep this baby. Maybe I can't give the baby the best clothes, toys and food, but I'm sure enough the baby would be juast as thankful knowing mommy want to see him live.
I keep praying. Asking Allah to show me and make me understand this gift.
"manusia mmg sgt suka bila Allah beri rezeki duit dan harta... Tp manusia ni pelik.. Bila diberi rezeki anak ramai, dia tak nak. Padahal anak tu manusia tak boleh cipta. Hanya Allah yg boleh meniupkan roh"
It's struck me one day. The baby is special. It's rezki dari arah tak disangka-sangka. Maybe it's a wish come true. A child that always remember to make doa for the parent. I cried. I said, I love this baby. I love all of my children. So, nikmat Allah yg mana yg hendak aku dustakan?
May Allah keep you strong. In ummi's tummy and outside. I'll always pray that you'll have a great life once you are born. Be a good person. Someone eho knows Allah and knows Allah is always there. I'll pray for all the best for you in future. Know that, ummi love you.
To my dear parents. Yes, growing up not having enough money is hard. Even now it's still hard. But I'm thankful that both of did not given up in raising me,schooling me, feeding me, clothes me, take care of me, listening to me and try hard to fulfill all my needs. I love you for all that.
Done
